Real men do cry
I cried on the phone talking to my dad. Crying might be an understatement. I was bawling. There was something I shared with him moments ago that lead to this. It was the first time ever in my life that I opened up like that to him. Don’t get me wrong - my dad and I have always been close. Perhaps we got even closer over the last few years especially since I moved to the US from India. I had never cried in front of him. Not like that for sure. But that changed on that phone call where I sobbed.
I could feel my dad’s helplessness over the phone. He couldn’t touch me to console nor could he give me a hug to make me feel better. How could he? He was sitting 7000 miles away in Dubai. I tried to hold myself back because I didn’t know how he would react or how it would make him feel hearing me cry. I didn’t want to upset him. But in spite of my best efforts, that early Seattle winter morning, I cried on the phone talking to my dad.
Growing up as a kid in India, I seldom saw men cry. I did see lots of women cry though. The only times I saw men crying was at funerals. But let me clarify a bit about what do I mean when I use the word “cry”? To me, crying involves expressing emotions and being vulnerable. Crying involves not holding yourself back and being true to yourself. Crying involves showing your authentic self of how you are really feeling in the moment rather than burying it down by portraying a macho side of you to others. Crying might involve shedding tears as well. To me, crying is powerful. Crying is a sign of strength and courage.
I sometimes wonder why did I grow up in a society that deemed it unfit for men to cry? Why did the society create a stereotype and made a connection between crying and showing weakness? Growing up, why is it that I was told that brave kids don’t cry? Why is it that I saw people loosely throw phrases like “crying like a girl” and “men don’t cry” around? Why is it that when I was crying on the phone with my dad, one of the things he impulsively told me out of his helplessness was to not cry because crying isn’t good for me? I don’t think that my father meant it in the true sense but that thought was one of the first thoughts that came to him. The thought to somehow make Faiz stop crying. But I don’t blame him for that. And perhaps this thought came to him because growing up as a kid himself a generation ago, he saw similar behaviour and patterns around him and it became a dogma - which is that the society has stamped the authority and reserved the rights to cry only for women and men must refrain from showing emotions especially if it involves shedding tears.
Statistically speaking, male and female children cry almost equally till they reach puberty[1]. Why then do we see such a big shift in male’s and female’s crying-ness as they get older? From a health point of view, inadequate crying can affect a person’s rate of stress related illnesses[2]. In another study, people who were unable to shed tears had more difficulty identifying their emotions[3]. It was also found that countries where people cry the most also reported highest levels of satisfaction[4]. But the taboos against men being expressive leads to men being non-expressive, which is turn can lead to depression. Studies have shown that men are 3-4 times more likely to commit suicide than women[5]. Some food for thought!
The fact remains that men feel pain and emotions just as much as females. By bottling their emotions within and not expressing does a lot more harm than good. In fact, I would argue that it serves absolutely no purpose and the false perception of yourself being more “manly” or strong just because you don’t cry is a fallacy. The so called “embarrassment” men feel while crying is the number one stigma that needs to be broken.
Cinema is often influenced by real life. No wonder that it has helped create and exacerbate a typecast for woman to be this caring and loving human being who can easily cry whereas men must not show emotions, have a hard shell on the outside, and just “man up”! An analogy that comes to mind is the general association of girls playing with dolls and liking the colour pink while boys wanting a toolset and monster trucks.
Crying is a superpower. And I am glad I have reached a point where I feel okay to cry openly and freely and whenever and wherever I want without feeling any shame associated with it. The best part for me though is that I can now cry in front of my dad and he just gets me. On that phone call with him when I cried, and he quickly pivoted from trying to stop me from crying to actually consoling me with his affectionate words and telling me how much he loved me was one of the best feelings I have had in my life. The way he calmed me down made me feel incredibly lucky and immensely loved. Thanks, dad, for being there and letting me cry on that phone call with you. I love you. ❤️
References:
Van Tilburg, Miranda AL, Marielle L. Unterberg, and Ad JJM Vingerhoets. "Crying during adolescence: The role of gender, menarche, and empathy." British Journal of Developmental Psychology 20.1 (2002): 77-87.
Crepeau, Margaret T. "A comparison of the behavior patterns and meanings of weeping among adult men and women across three health conditions." (1982): 0137-0137.
van Leeuwen, Ninke, et al. "Dealing with emotions when the ability to cry is hampered: emotion processing and regulation in patients with primary Sjögren's syndrome." Clinical and Experimental Rheumatology-Incl Supplements 30.4 (2012): 492.
Van Hemert, Dianne A., Fons JR van de Vijver, and Ad JJM Vingerhoets. "Culture and crying: Prevalences and gender differences." Cross-Cultural Research 45.4 (2011): 399-431
Murphy, George E. "Why women are less likely than men to commit suicide." Comprehensive psychiatry 39.4 (1998): 165-175.